I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I lost the right to judge tonight
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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