Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
