He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
