We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
