I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
this will be a night to untag.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
