We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
