im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
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Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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