I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
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