The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
