Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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