I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
