a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
