i used baking grease as lip gloss
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
