Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
