capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
