cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
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