I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
