My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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