Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
