Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
