I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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