There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Never let your siblings swipe right.
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