I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
