I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
