We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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