apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Randomize
