I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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