i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
