she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
