Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
My vagina is very pro this idea
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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