i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
