If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Randomize
