I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
