Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
