just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
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we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
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I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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