I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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