why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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