you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
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Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
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MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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