Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
