Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
