one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
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She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
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I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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