I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
