but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
