Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
