My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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