so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
