I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
