She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
