I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
