VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
