I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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