Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
