I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I want to fling myself into the sun
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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