Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
