Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
