I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
