After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
